letting it go...
Sometimes it just sucks being me. This has been a very hard week. I will refine from the whole story. We will just leave it at; my current level of screw-up is high. What I will tell you about is what it is like investing in someone else who does not succeed.
I am an instructor. I have the coolest job on the weekends. I teach people to do improvisational acting. Live with out a net, you and an audience going where ever your brain takes you. It is half was between teaching people to sky dive and group therapy.
Sometimes people need a little extra help. They may go on to be great at this. So, you invest a little more time in helping them. In a number of ways you invest more of yourself in hopping they get it. When they succeed, I cheer as loud as anyone because I know they came farther and braved more then people who were naturally good at this.
The down side is sometimes they do not succeed. Sometimes they make the decision that this is not for them. When this happens, part of me is lost. I know it is stupid.
Sunday morning, my boss handed me a note. It was from someone whom I had given extra effort. They still had a great deal to learn and I thought they would get it. In the end, they made the decision that was right for them. The note was a thank you for trying to help.
This is not the first note. They are always well written and very kind. I save them in a box in my office. To date, I never been able to read them more then once.
I know this has a lot to do with my ego. I know that I did not fail them. Knowing and feeling are different. Sometimes it sucks to be me…
Comments
It probably doesn't help, because I understand where the feeling of failure comes from, but:
You have helped me immensely, and I would not be where I am (be it good, or bad) without that help. I would not have 'gotten it' without you.
And Thank You for caring enough to invest extra time with people. It is appreciated by more than just the people you're spending the time with.
I just thought I'd mention it, because sometimes when we are 'successful' we do not properly acknowledge those who helped us get there.
Posted by: Shannon | March 8, 2005 08:49 AM
I think you might be misinterpreting the situation. It's not, "I will never ever do this and it was a waste of effort." Instead it's, "This isn't a great choice for me right now, but maybe one day it will be."
Sometimes people need to take a break. Sometimes they use the tools you've taught them in ways you don't anticipate.
Either way - they are better for having studied with you.
Posted by: sparkler | March 8, 2005 11:40 PM
Looking at the nice things said I am struck by how much I don't see the part of this writing that hit me. So here is a balance to the "you did help, good comes later".
As with all things I seem to know of late, the more you give of yourself the more you will find letters you can only read once piling up in a drawer. It matters not the depth of you that was taken. The once only collection is about how much you gave. Fear not that it does suck to be you. No this should almost be a goal in our last day of breath. To have too much that we can't look at. Struggle to have too much to take. A measure of the length of our life can be found in how much we can bear what we have given so far.
Oh my, Darkness lives in that boy. Geeze.
Love Dean
Posted by: Dean | March 10, 2005 12:32 PM