The Five People You Meet in Hell
Rich Pablum has a new book titled “The Five People You Meet in Hell.” The book is a parody of the book “The Five People You Meet in Heaven.” The Heaven version is another take on “It’s a Wonderful Life” where a good hearted person dies and 5 people explain the meaning of his life. In Rich Pablum’s version the same thing happens with a slight change in venue. In a nature of full disclosure, I have not read either book yet.
I thought wow, what a great question. Who are the five people I would meet in hell to explain the meaning of my life? Here is my answer:
My high school guidance councilor - We would sit in his office. He would tell me why coffee at Java Café instead of going to algebra has led me to where I am. How he was right, that if I had ‘chosen’ (listen to him about) a career at age 16 my life would have meant something. He would explain how the collage application process is the last important thing anyone does. Last, as I chewed my nails off, he would tell me that high school was the meaning of my life. Who I was in 10th grade was the meaning of life.
Billing Service for TXU - I would sit in the dark and be asked question I do not know by an automated voice for duration determined by satin himself. A demon would appear ask me to explain why I was there. After listening to a syllable of my screams, the demon would disappear and I would be sent back to the automated voice to re-answer all the questions again for a duration twice as long as the one determined by satin himself. Another demon would appear who would ask me to repeat all the questions again. If I could not answer, I would be sent back to the dark for duration four times as long as the one determined by satin himself. After I had answered all of the second demons questions I would be told to saw my right hand off or go back to the first step. In the dark an automated recording would tell me this is the meaning of my life every 5.34 seconds.
Dating Service - While sitting in a chair under a bright light, I have to explain why I deserved contact with the opposite sex in writing using only the words zits, ugly, out of shape and loser. If I touched my pencil to the page, an attractive person narrates as they show an awkward moment in my life on a screen and the contents of hell laugh. All the while, a clearly written poster would site in front of me with GQ models on it that said, “Being attractive is the meaning of life.”
A Televangelist - With me chained to a folding chair, Jerry Falwell explained how real people of faith all made it to heaven. If I had been a real Christian I would be there too. I should have supported life as long as it is unborn or brain dead and thus unable to sin. I should have distanced my self from anyone who was gay, divorced or just different. How my desire to listen to other point of view lead me here to hell. If I had been a real Christian, like him, I would have been able to come down from heaven and tell people this too. As I tore my left ear off he says, “Being Christian, like me is the meaning of life.”
The Guy I Accidentally Cut Off in Traffic - Sitting in a very uncomfortable chair, we would go back over my life frame by frame. He would point out any time I was a jerk or broke the law. If I disagreed or acted unsympathetic he would hook his horn at me and poke me with a stick. Every mistake would be replayed from multiple angles. When I broke and gave in to the insanity he would say... “It is what other people think you that is the meaning of life!”